It’s been a rather hellish 3-day weekend for me.
On Saturday morning, my brother found my mom unresponsive at home. She was lying on the bed with her legs down — as though she sat down to go to bed and passed out. The Friday and Saturday morning papers were on the stoop. So, we’re thinking she could’ve been like that since Thursday night.
When I saw her in the emergency room Saturday morning, I was fearing stroke. She was completely out of it. As the hours passed, she became more and more lucid and could move her fingers and toes — a great relief for me.
A CAT scan, MRI, blood cultures and chest x-ray all came back normal or even better than normal for her age.
It turns out that mom took “too many” sleeping pills and she admitted to me that she did it on purpose.
Other than her ankles swelling, my mom is a very healthy 71 year old. However, she has a phobia about being unable to care for herself physically and being put “in a home.” Ironic that she has put herself in that exactly that position now after taking the pills!
I’m going through a lot of emotions. Anger being the most prevalent. I’ve had issues with my mom my whole life. She has always had a terrible attitude towards life and her negativity was really hard to take growing up.
It still haunts me in my mid 40′s. I try hard to look at life in a positive light. When I find myself slipping into the bitch-and-moan mode I learned in my formative years, I cringe at myself.
These days I can only take mom in small doses – meeting for lunch or a couple hours of shopping is all I can handle. I know how horrible that sounds. I used to feel guilty about being such a wuss. Just recently I came to the conclusion that there is nothing unreasonable or wrong with protecting my mental health.
Brother and I will spend the next month or so finding mom a better living arrangement. Obviously, she needs a bit more oversight. Her two level townhouse was getting too much for her anyway. We’re also going to take her car – just in case she decides driving off a cliff is a good idea.
Senior housing, by the way, is extremely expensive. Yesterday, my husband and I looked at what that industry calls “independent living” units – basically a small one bedroom apartment, three meals a day at an on site restaurant and light housekeeping. This kind of set up STARTS at $2,000 per month. We looked at one place that was nearly $4,000 per month!
Yeah. Any kind of assisted living such as help with bathing or medication management is EXTRA. Her monthly social security check is around $1100. You do the math. If that doesn’t make you save like crazy for your own retirement, nothing will!
This will be a journey — for mom and for me, on many, many levels.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m so sorry. You do what you need to do to take care of yourself too.
.-= Read sue´s last post … Step Right Up, Ladies & Gentlemen! (with update) =-.
This is a very difficult decision to have to make. And yet not an unusual one at all. With all the senior activity these days, one would wonder how such a thing can happen, and yet it does. Some seniors just don’t seem to stay active and then they get depressed, like your mom.
And I do agree with you, much of life is about our attitude.
You will be very wise to take care of yourself in all of this. I hope you find perfect housing for your mom soon.
.-= Read Joan Adams´s last post … What’s Your Message? Why can’t they hear you? =-.
Oh man, I can see the anger part. That just really sucks. Especially if she does have her health. I have issues w/ my mom as well, but in a way it is opposite. She has major major health issues, so she has become pretty negative. It is totally understandable, but hard to take all the same.
I think it is just insane how much those independent living cost. My mom had looked into them years ago for her mom when she got cancer. They never could afford it, so my mom was stuck w/ the responsibility of caring for her. This of course, made my moms health issues all the more worse.
Well you are in my thoughts. Dealing with aging parents can be very hard.
.-= Read Ginny´s last post … Blast Off! by Allison Maslan ~ Success Plan to launch Dreams into Reality =-.
Yes, and remember, we will all be there some day , if we are so blessed! Saw a quote recently that said “Be nice to your kids. They will pick out your nursing home!”
.-= Read Joan Adams´s last post … Honey, I am losing my sight. =-.
Our mothers must have been sisters separated at birth. Don’t feel guilty , but I also realize easier said than done. My mother is 81 and has gotten harder to deal with as she got to her 80′s. Fortunately my brother and his wife are godsends and do all the nitty gritty. Do what you know is right for you and you’ll never make a wrong decision. It’s sad when people have a life of unhappiness and negativity, all the more reason to have a wonderful life filled with love and happiness.
.-= Read Susan Phillips´s last post … ETSy =-.
I completely understand being able to only take someone for a short period of time. Not with my parents but with my aunt who lives nearby.
Fortunately my parents live in PA, a state that actually helps their senior citizens. They get very little money each month and couldn’t afford housing. But now they are living in a beautiful senior housing area and the county helps pay their rent each month. So now they actually can afford groceries too! They have a 2 bedroom villa as they call it. It’s perfect for them right now. I do worry about the next step when they require help but for now they can care for themselves. I just wish they lived closer to me.
Hope things are working out for your mom.
.-= Read Cindy´s last post … Quilt-Along =-.
Joane said:
“Yes, and remember, we will all be there some day , if we are so blessed!”
What???
You call the heartless mess that is old age in America “being blessed”???
Honey, this society is BROKEN. The farming-village model of American society did not throw old people out into the cold for the “gerontology” vampires. It had a place for them, like sane humane societies do. Given the satanic orgy America is turning into, I’d rather get smeared by a cement truck at 60 than be “blessed,” as you call it. There’s “positive attitude,” and then there’s pathological optimism, a.k.a. DENIAL.
By the way, whoever-you-are, I know EXACTLY what you’re going through and I urge you to protect your sanity. If your mother is anything like mine, she’ll use your altruism and concern to ruthlessly bleed you white, and she isn’t worth it. Nobody is.
Had many of the same issues with my mother.
I ended up taking care of her for 25 years. Her negativity and being unable to forget or forgive anything made her harder and harder to be with over time. Depression took over the last few years of her life and I took some of the behavior (like not eating or not taking medicine and lying about it) very personally and had the same feelings of anger.
Two years after her death what I can tell you is the behavior not directed. It just is. Talk to someone at a hospice. I found that the people at the hospital’s hospice had a much better understanding of what was going on then did the mds or social workers. The black hole type depression probably started well before you were aware of it.
You didn’t research other choices…….
A- a home health aide for a few hours a day, and she can socialize with your mom, make lunch and prepare dinner (casseroles are super for this, and so are those handy tv dinners, in case). Then have the home health aide drop your mom off at the local senior daycare center for an hour or two. Then you or a relative can pick her up and bring her home, and the process repeats the next day
B. Socialization is important and your mom is only 71, so putting her into independent living would clearly be a long term expense. However, we KNOW that all of the. independent living and Assisted Living facilities are negotiable, so that is worth a try. We have also found that independent and assisted living facilities which are religion based can be far more reasonable, but remember all facilities have various reputations, and there are State websites which shows what complaints have been lodged and what concerns inspectors have found
C. With a sleeping pill overdose, I hope you have combed thru her entire home for any other medicines which could tempt her. The FIRST thing, though, that I would do would be to take her to a geriatric psychiatrist; he may very well prescribe an anti-depressant. Depression is very, very common, especially when the person lives alone. But then you’re back to square one, with her maybe taking too many.
D. Put an ad in the newspaper to find a woman around your mom’s age who may be in your mom’s situation. Then theybwould at least have company. Or, you advertise for a woman who gets free room and board in exchange for making your mom’s life more enjoyable….and safer (the woman would give your mom meds, which should be under lock and key). This means the woman should have solid references, and hopefully be licensed and bonded. In today’s economic situation, there will probably be several who are interested in this set-up. Or, if there is a vocational school or college nearby, which offers CNA or nurse’s training, you have a larger potential of finding the best of both worlds…..tell the school’s health department that there is free board in exchange for living with your mom and helping her out. Costs nothing to ask! It would save those who are training a LOT of money.
D. Sell her home, put the money into an account for her which can be automatically charged for the cost of independent living. Considering she has a fairly healthy sized Social Security income, that would mean only about $1000 or so being taken off the account which would have the house sale money in it. That would last a LONG time.
Remember, choosing the right place is important and that means several visits to several places, talking with residents, visiting family members, checking how the food is, seeing if activities are just scheduled or if they actually take place. And be sure there are ALL
the stages are on the grounds…..independent living, assisted living, and a secure memory unit. You don’t want to move her several times if you can avoid it.
Having said that, we had to move my folks a few times for different reasons. One read on was that a place had a fantastic reputation, and it checked out on all levels, everything was perfect….for five months. Then, without notice, the facility was sold, and the first thing the new company did was to fire staff that had dementia training and hire young things who were more interested in spending time in the break room discussing their social lives than caring for the residents. The food quality went down big time, and they hired a Director whose only real ” medical” experience was having had to care for her Downs syndrome son.
It was really a catastrophe there, with inspectors giving them warning of a shutdown unless they complied with several conditions….which didn’t seem to be happening. So, we had to move them. Another place put on a great show but then the food quality went down ( probably in tune with the economy, but it is not acceptable with seniors as they need nutritious food, otherwise they get anemic and lose weight…. ) and varying activities were advertised daily, but half were canceled at the last minute. The Director was fired, and so on. They get apex $6700 monthly for my folks and for that price, we expect tons better.
You need to be advised of any changes in your mom’s health picture and a good facility will do that.
Hope the above was helpful.
Thank you, Pam, for taking the time to post. Mom is doing better.
She did finally opt for a one bedroom apartment in an independent living building. She complains about the food, but I can tell she likes having other people her age around even though, she’s the youngest one there.
I like that if she doesn’t come down for a meal, someone will check on her.
It’s a very tough time on you and yes, you do have to take care of yourself and take brakes if only a manicure/pedicure for an hour. I as well, did not get along with my controlling mother also w/ a negative side on everything. Wasn’t easy, I know that first hand. Mom didn’t want to live with me as I grew up with my grandmother, her mom living with us. She never wanted to be the burden to us as I guess her mother was to her. I loved having my grandmother around. I was closer to her and not mom all my life. Out of the 3 of us, me being the baby, living 45 mins to an hour away and my brother 5 mins. away, me, the single parent, he the one who had $$$ me, not so much but guess who did all the running around for her. I don’t regret doing it but it was really tough w/ having a daughter at home and trying to keep stability in my own home. However, as I look back now, said I was taking a few days for myself as I was crazy going back and forth. I had the best conversation I ever had in my life with my mom. She finally looked at me as the 53 year old adult I was and not trying to run my life all the time. 4 days later, I got a call from my brother that she had passed. I was OK with it and did all I could do in the end for her. I am at peace with her leaving this world and what I did for her in her last 5 years. No regrets. Didn’t really cry about it but I often think, O, let me give mom a call about something and then you remember. So, I still speak to her but in another way. Best of all, don’t beat yourself up. God Bless